Existential crisis.

Why are you here?
Ever wondered about the purpose of your existence?
Ever tried to look beyond the regular banal life that you live?
Instead of claiming to know who created you, did you ever think about why you were created?

Or you are just the kind to do what you have been told.
The kind who can't find an identity of your own.
The kind who can't fight the hands that mold you in whatever way they want to.
You must be the one without any structure.

Are you the one who goes to work and comes back home and thinks about the next day at work?
Did you ever gaze into the sky and wonder?
Did you ever think, for a moment, that you are not a puppet of the people?
Have you accepted things into your life because you are too afraid to ask questions and explanations?

Do you believe in God?
Do you have blind faith?
Are you superstitious?
Do you have the power of logical thought or you are just a tape recorder?

You are the one who laughs at the beliefs of all the other people and gets boiling mad when someone makes fun of yours. The ones that aren't even yours.
You never had any problems with others telling you who you are. You live by what you've been told.
You have closed eyes and you are a slave. They bred you to be a follower, so you follow.
You are the sheep. A black one because you can't think.
You are the scum on the face of the earth.
You are the one who fights for things inconsequential and backs out and hides when it matters.

You have their words in your mouth and their motives for your actions. Even the voices in your head aren't yours. You never asked yourself who you are. You just seek approval and never try to walk your own path. You are the reason for the stagnation.

Why do you not wonder? When did evolution fail you? You act condescending in front of the cattle but are you any better? What did you want to be, a sheep or a lion? Were you ever human or just an organ of their ways? Why did you let them decide your fate and strangle you in their worldly ties? Who are they to take away your individuality and how can you let them?

If you are just a medium of their actions, you should stop burdening the earth.
If you can't contribute, you should stop consuming.
If you can't lead, you should stop preaching.
If you can't find your own way, you should stop guiding.

You are gutless, spineless blob of life on which life itself is wasted.

Why did you go to school when all you learned is to have a closed mind?
Why do you make friends when you can't survive outside your family?
Why do you want to travel when you are afraid of the new?
Why do you dream when you have sold your desire?

Can you choose to fight your own battles?
Can you stop and wonder why there are Gods uncountable and if different religion could be different versions of each other?
Can you fathom the fact that you may have no invisible man in the sky to guide you and the voices you hear in your head are pure bullshit or paranoia?
Can you be logical and rational and take someone else's view into consideration without throwing fits of angry hyperbole?
Can you think for yourself, analyze, calculate and take a decision unadulterated by external influences?
Can you be human and and not be cattle?
Can you gather courage and break free?
Can you stop following and start living?

Or do I have to continue looking at you live a pathetic existence, with no ambition, you hoping that you are really important to someone, when all you are is a big failure in the name of humans and free will?

For your sake I hope all your fairy tales come true and you meet with a God that does exist, and when you meet her/him, she/he will look down upon you and will sob on her/his own failure as a creator.

I wish,
if you are a believer in a patriarchal society/religion, your god be a woman, a feminist.
if you have worshiped a white god, your god be pitch dark.
if you think your religion doesn't allow people from other religion into yours, your god be a mixed race.
if you hate homosexuals, your god be a gay.
if you hate technology, your god be a scientist.
if you believe in constraining yourself and others to rigid tenets and unwritten illogical views and senseless practices, your god be free will and pure logic.
if you like to kill, your god be life.
if you are an atheist, there be a god.
if you are a theist, your god be another human with captivating orating skills, strong convincing power and lot of morons like you to follow.

I hope you suffer for having a closed mind.

The company you keep...

I have realized that no matter how much you expect someone to stand by you, in the end you'll always stand alone. Friends, family, community... they all have their own agendas. Nobody is truly out there for you.

Some help you around, some are there for fun, most of them want something in return, some want to be there but can't. Some just walk along for a fun time. Some, because they want company. But nobody is out there for you. Some walk along, and show that they want to be there, when asked for a confirmation, they blatantly change the subject.

People are not free. The amount of time they are going to spend with you is very consistent with how they expand. Everybody has boundaries.

There are people who widen their boundaries to grow. These people stay longer with you. They share times, words, emotions. They share their lives with you. And then they move on.

Then there are people who succumb to the walls that they build around themselves, choking and suffocating. They are there with you for a shorter period of time. They want to share but they lack guts. They are so tied up by the imposed lives and laws that they never can come out of those bounds. They remain a cosmic failure.

Then there are people who try. They fight to break free and they reason and they argue. They come alive with thoughts and free will. These people are the best company you can have. Time is inconsequential with these people. You are taken for a ride, twisting and turning, up and down. It moves fast and burns harder.

But alas...! Everyone leaves. When it is most crucial, you are on your own. There's nobody you can depend on or expect to have your back, more than yourself.

People say, love, whatever kind, conquers all, it will never let you be alone. That is oxymoron-ish. Either we don't know what love is or we don't know how to love. People say lot of things in the name of love, but when it actually comes to make a stand, they crumble down with their weakened will and hide behind the "can't"s with their cowardice.

Nobody can actually be with you, for you. There's always a catch. Someone will ask something in return, someone will find a better company, someone will refuse to lend a hand when you bear your cross, someone will have no strength to find their own path.

But you... You alone can truly be with yourself. Family, friends, community .. these don't matter. What matters, is you. Trust no one, depend on no one, but yourself.

Better done than said....

I hate the society.. I hate your community.. I hate mine.. I hate the entire system..
I am determined to change the way we live.. I will work to change the crapy society..
Maybe someone will fight with me.. that's the legacy I want to give to others.. That's my purpose.. I've had enough of the crap..
Loss is all I get from it.. No happiness..

These rules people follow are bogging me down.. blind faith turns me off.. rigid tenets make me scream out in anger..
I crave for the rational.. I crave for logic.. I crave for equality..
I hate the pseudo-male society.. i hate being one of the pigs.. I hate seeing people tied.. and i hate submission to the wrong even more..
I am retaliating... to hell with the society... If its making me this sad.. it doesn't deserve me..
I have decided to renounce it.. as i did religion and caste..
All i have is sarcasm for all of the stupidity.. don't think, even for a minute that I am being a masochist by turning my back on everything..
No... I am leaving it all because it has no brains left. The intelligent life is scarce.. all you have is a zany bunch of monkeys beating their primitive drum..
So if you find me alone and detached... don't worry.. its a choice i have made.. I'd rather be alone than suffer fools gladly..

Turmoil..

When you decide to move on, its just a state of mind. It never really happens if it's not what you really wanted, just because you decided to. Life never hurts the way you intended it to.You keep going back to the same place and you keep aiming for the better. Its a vicious circle.

You keep thinking about ways to get out of the rut. You make decisions and you build walls. You constraint yourself and demand maturity. You are determined to move on. Barring your feelings, you put up a brave face and walk confident, head held high, with iron will. You take on the world with a mighty heart.

One day, one look, one word, one split second and the wall crumbles down to the floor. The iron will melts like snow on a sunny day. The brave face starts to wilt and the feet are wobbling. The head is hung low and the eyes are glistened. The surge of feelings is unstoppable. Control is non existent. The entire idea of moving out of the rut is nowhere to be found.

You break down, fall on your knees. You plead for it. You want it so bad that you insides are jolted. Def Leppard's "Have you ever needed someone" comes to mind. The silence is deafening. The sound of dreams shattering is subdued by the heavy beating of heart.

Nothing makes you happy. You laugh out loud at AFV's shows but you know that you are not happy. Nothing pleases you. You crave for a little peace of mind. You are torn between what you want and what you get, between what you imagined and what reality is. It tough. The ache is unbearable. You wither away in pain.

And no one understands...!!

A new morning.

Cult:

Noun:

1) Followers of an unorthodox, extremist, or false religion or sect who often live outside of conventional society under the direction of a charismatic leader.

Religion:

Noun:

1) A strong belief in a supernatural power or powers that control human destiny.

Interchangeable, aren't they.

Religion, by definition is, a strong belief in supernatural power that control human destiny. I think it should be modified to, a strong belief in a made up power that controls humans. Just to clear the air, I admit that I am an atheist. I chose this. I wasn't influenced, converted, nor am I following a "cult" blindly. I am doing just the opposite, in fact. I am not against religion, just the way its being followed.

Its not logical to me, the way religion stands against humanity. Yes it does. Humanity teaches us to be together. Religion does the opposite. It creates sects and make them stand together against each other. Consider this for instance, every other religion states that if you don't follow 'so and so' religion, you'll go to the eternal pit of fire/hell or whatever that is called. What are they trying to do here, scare people into following one? Why is there never a time when we here a religion proclaim togetherness in spite of cultural/regional differences. I have personally, never heard any of the religious heads saying, "if you don't follow my religion, but some other, doesn't make a difference because its all the same to God". It's always about their God and their religion.

What's worse is one religion banning every other, to even slightly be involved, and they are proud to be exclusive. Rubbish. Its more like the royal families of the English. They marry their own cousins just to keep their lineage pure. Really? Are you that stupid? Its like diving into the gene pool, with nothing new in it. Scraping the bottom in hope of survival. What results from it is genetic diseases, cancer and the IQ down the toilet. Spiral into itself and die. Don't believe me, research it. It's true.

Almost every religion, these days is attacking the other, hopelessly trying to prove and establish superiority. They are so blind in the quest that they fail to see the obvious, that they are not moving anywhere. They are exactly where they started from. Are they so dumb, to actually believe that someone will admit the inferiority of his/her religion against theirs? Leave aside the inferiority-superiority issue. I grew up with the notion that God is the single point of pureness and religion is God's way of imparting that pureness to everyone. But soon I knew that this is how fairytale sounds.

When people kill each other just because they worship different Gods, I knew the whole idea was moot on the society. The very notion of a creator is disturbed when every other sect has one of their own which eventually sets out to be the most superior of them all, and if not followed, promises of burning you in hell. And then there are ones that forbid you to follow them because your are born into some other.

Would I be any different if I was born a Hindu or a Muslim or a Christian or a Parsi? Would I suddenly have extra human power or would I lose the use of a limb or two?

There's one other thing that really bothers me and its the position of women according to the religion. Always blamed, pushed around, burnt at stake and said to have caused adversities.

• Hindu: Ram questions Sita's morality and loyalty after fighting an entire epic war, killing Ravan. Sita finally submits herself to the fire.
• Christianity(Protestant): Virgin Mary was not a virgin after she gave birth to Christ and was just another woman and hence the cause of all the bad in the world.
• Both Islam and Christianity have condemned woman(Eve) of committing the Original Sin and God said "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you" and to the man he said "Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life". So basically he gave PMS, childbirth and male dominance to women and the pain of earning to men. 

Really...???? 

Plus it really bugs me that when people talk about God, the creator of everything, somehow they always portray a male figure. Talk about equality.

Well I don't agree with any of them. What I'd want to do is, to have all the like-minded, right-minded people who rather than giving into the the shackles of the so established religions, would like to have a blend of all the good and practical approach towards being with each other and make a cult religion of my own. Call it Illuminati. In essence, it'd do the same thing the secret society tried to do. Free thinking. 

Be Illuminated....!

My Life..

I was sitting at the airport. Had a lot of time to kill. The flight was still half an hour away from the runway. Looking at random people walk by. Some are way too excited to meet and greet people, it's regular for some and some look tense. Three basic emotions. It got me thinking.

Our life is a mixture of emotions. Avoidance of some, pursuit of others. There's always a struggle. Trying hard to capture one moment of life, we keep running around in circles. Making our way through all sorts of odds hoping to make it to salvation. But is it that simple? You try hard and conquer the world. Do we all have Alexander in ourselves? Is it worth the efforts, when we don't know whether we'll succeed or not.

Imagine how one emotion, or rather the pursuit of one emotion can trigger whole lotta other things. Chain reaction. You try to find comfort. You depend on others to help you out at times. There's anticipation, eagerness, disappointment, content, regret. One emotion is a potential trigger of another.

Funny thing is that we don't have any control over it all. It depends, more or less on others. How one person can bring such perkiness in your voice and the same person can take away the zest out of your life is astonishing. If it's a fault or a shortcoming that if We are in a foul mood, everybody gets a piece of it. The unfulfilled desires give way to frustration, indifference towards others and capability to ignore every emotion that's placed in front of them. No matter how exited you are in life, one gloomy/indifferent reaction from someone can ruin your day.

Why am I so melancholic? I don't know. I guess I've been there done that. They say that life is too short. But when you are not happy/satisfied/contented, it feels like a bottomless pit.

We all are loosing it in the madness of hitting the right emotion, depending on everything else but ourselves to put up a smile. Life generally is morbid as I see it. Maybe I'm waiting for someone too, to show some light.

Sitting amidst the crowd bustling in and out of the airport gates makes me feel a lone puppet left at the mercy of everything that surrounds me. Under the blinding light of the cafe I can see the shadows creeping up inside of me.

Am I missing something here? Or am I trying to find out something? Isn't it a vicious circle, a labyrinth which is hard to break out from. Is it a pursuit of finding something which doesn't exist or an effort to ignore what is in front of us?

I am still at the airport trying to figure out a possible answer.

Mirror...

so I am headIng back to my place after work. It was a nIce day at offIce. not much work. enjoyed chattIn wIth my colleagues. roamed around, drank a bIt to much coffee. so I am wIde awake. Its nIce and cozy today outsIde. pleasant breeze, a bIt chIllIng but the effect Is soothIng... too good. Its a perfect day. spIc & span. nothIng was gray today.


I'm thInkIng about her. an evenIng wIth her, dInner, some wIne and a bIt of dance. lovely...!


I'm almost there. headIng up the drIveway, I'm happy and content. the day has been amazIngly satIsfyIng.


I'm at the door now, pressIng the bell, waItIng ImpatIently to barg In and kIss her...


door opens and HE says "SurprIse...!"


I am shocked. shocked out of my wIts. What In the name of god...!! I cant belIeve It. I never thought thIs can happen. how can....
I'm losIng my grIp. Its hard to stand stIll.. Its gettIng dark... I cant see anythIng... n last thIng I heard was a thudd.. I was lyIng flat on my back...


Its not so hard to ImagIne my hysterIcal state. I bet you'd take It harder than I dId.

wanna know who answered the door??



It was ME...!

This or that....

There are times when you have to make choices which goes against your desires.

Its weird how things change so soon and so fast...

The things that you didn't know came into existence.. things you hated now seem better and things you loved are now an obsession...

But there are times when what you should have and what you shouldn't, also depends on external factors. Theres always a hunch of being meddled with. The question still is, why can't I control my life? And I can't seem to find out an answer. But the frustration of living the way you want to live due to the dependencies you have is sometime so frustrating that you can't have peace of mind.

But then you have to draw a line as your indulgence can be destructive. Instead of the chaos its, sometimes, better to take a break from what you want and give yourself time to wait for the external oppositions to settle down.

Yes rebellion is another way, but really? Do you really want to jeopardize everything you are holding on to?

After all the logic and practicality and weighing the plausibility, you come to know whats the best for you. Still... you want to go otherwise. Its like an obsession thats pulling you.

Maybe giving it time and being docile about it is the best way out, but i never know when i'll explode...

Break ups and Make ups and everything about Love

Love is a weird state of mind.

Its like morphine to kill the pain. When you hit it... its the ultimate drug.

Its something you just can't avoid. I've seen people falling in love, even those who denied any faith in it whatsoever... heck, I was one of those.

Its the simplest of the things in your life.

Love is more or less a realization that the other person is too good to be without. Its a magnet which keeps pulling you towards the one you like. You think about him/her every waking moment of your life when love's hit you. Life's serene, beautiful and uncomplicated.

I've seen the wonders of love. It gave me an amazing confidence. Its like a driving force which makes you do stuff which you've dreaded all your life. A life changing experience. If you are in the right place in the right time... you make your life a bit more worthy of living.

It's changed my life for good. I've become a much more better person than I ever was.

Its something that can't be explained but experienced.

But love's not all roses. There are fights in it. The most dreading fights one can ever imagine.

Fights that can't be won. Its a constant battle to make yourself the kind of person you want your partner to be with. Not an easy concept.

When you are crazily in love with someone, you'd always want whats best for him/her, and that includes you...!! Its a battle you fight with yourself.

Improving oneself aint easy and when you think about striving for perfection, its the biggest test of your life. You can't cheat or take a shortcut. Its unnerving as its you whom you have to prove your worth to. Though terrifying... but totally worth it.

By far falling in love is the best feeling I've been in.

And the worst is trying to fall out of it.

When things don't workout life becomes miserable. Affection, romance and trust are replaced by arguments, disappointments and losing faith in each other. No matter what, you just can't come to let go of the things which are so trivial that later in life, will make you regret your actions. Step by step it eats away all the love and an uncaring behavior is infested in the relationship.

After that there's no pointing fingers. Everything done by anyone is not enough. Crying, grinding teeth with anger and frustration is all you have.

And then you reminisce the good old time. when you were so good together and it just makes you uncomfortable. You seek comfort in company of friends and family. At the end of the day its all futile.

No matter who is at fault and no matter how you've explained yourself and how you've made amends, said sorry, made your point, got an apology, it always is unsatisfying. There's an insatiable need for love which can't be filled be any number of tears or apologies or realizations.

Even if you've made a point, at the end of a fight everybody has lost. A Pyrrhic victory. Its not worth fighting. It brings no good. A fight always leaves you a lil' bit dead inside.

And then it happens. You fall apart. You break up.

Its very practical. You two are not happy with each other, want different things in life, have your expectations unfulfilled. Whatever the reason it is, it just doesn't make sense to stay. Its a life you've gotta live and you should be happy doing that. Perfect reason.

You stop talking, no texting, no calls, no chats... nothing. Total exclusion. Works...!

But what about all the memories? Sitting in front of your laptop and looking at his/her name in your chat-list blankly isn't the kind of solace you were looking for.

After fighting for all kinds of things, importance, place in life, behavior, expectations and leaving it for the happiness, you just can't seem to make the ends meet.

Its very hard. You just can't forget someone who was so integral to your life. As close as your skin. Any momentary silence or a split second of loneliness haunts because its him/her who you've always turned to. Your single stop to bicker, confess, give your two cents about everything, say the sweet nothings and most importantly... feel at home. But you've thrown it away. The one perfect thing you had.

There's gut wrenching feeling of being in a place where you've never wanted to be. In a while you forget worrying about yourself and start worrying about him/her. All you can think of is a sad face and you hate your guts for your actions. There's a craving to make sure he/she is okay. Its natural for me as I think nobody can take care of my partner better than I.

But then it hits... where was the care back then when you were fighting for silly reasons. Practically you'd have forgiven your friends if they'd done the same stuff to you. But why not him/her? What was so grossly wrong with stuff they did that made you take the lone road?

Suddenly it all seems useless. You are trying hard to be happy but the magnet is still working. You look at other guys/girls but there's nothing that makes you forget everything even for a split second. You shy away from the world in your own poisonous cocoon. Life has changed and its not the one you wanted. All you can hope is that time will let you live through it. You hope that the other person is doing better than you are.

You want to change things but its too late. When you are not happy its always sour. You wish for time to do its trick soon. If not for you then at least for him/her. You wish that he/she finds a better way out of it, do better than you are doing and find somebody way better than you and live way happier and fulfilling life than you could've imagined for 'em.

As love doesn't change, you still want the best of all for them. You still want to love them the way they're supposed to. You still want to take care of them the way nobody ever could.

And thats why the pain is hard to bear and the eyes refuse to rest.

Don't let it fall... Try harder.

Confessions of the incorrigible...

To what point can one test somebody's forbearance?

I'm just another case of the incorrigibility disorder. It’s just not one or two things. I've multiple incorrigible cases. You name an area, I'll tell you a minimum of one disorder. Don't get me wrong, it’s not an apology or a log or a low self esteem, grief stricken incitement. It’s just a monologue I've been having. A rather reprimanding 3rd person view of myself. It’s not easy you know, failing miserably in your own eyes. When you see the figure under "areas of improvement", you have a sickening feeling.

Plans and dreams come easily. A "Self" in the future... or shall I say “The Near Future"... so positively indignant with the current that you start dreaming wishfully about it. Money, success, fame, love appears to be so well defined that you forget about the path to them. The point is that it’s easy to forget who you are in the light of who you want to be.

It’s all about how you want things to be. The care and concerns are not the same anymore. It’s the way you behave when you want to see things your way. Even if you care, there's a lot of self involved. Unexplained phenomenon. When you talk about concerns you are supposed to be selfless. This is more like Self Concern.

Lately I've developed a state of possessiveness. Acute deficiency of sensibility there, I must warn you. It’s like a kid clutching a toy so hard that it suffocates the purpose of having the toy. Fueled by fits of irrelevant anger and irritation, I'm often driven to extremes. This is not bad because it’s "Extreme", but because it’s unsettling. It produces an urge of being felt special. Unmistakably that. Despite of knowing that there’s a way of asking for such stuff and there’s a cap on how much you can ask, the demand is placed. It’s traumatizing.

How can one person carry a bond, when clearly there’s a minimum of two required? It’s inhuman to be so unrealistic. One cannot expect to be spoon-fed at the apparition of whims and wishes.

And I’ll tell you the worst part of it... Realization...! When all’s said and done, it comes as a haunting. It’s not much different from taking somebody’s life, “a crime of passion” as I’d like to call it. You have done an irreparable damage and all you can do is regret about it. The situations that you've been through when something unfair had happened, comes flashing through, pinning the weight on your feelings without the details of the incident. You just remember the unbearable sadness that lingered there, the anger of being pushed around and down for all the good that you've done. Just for some arrogant, self-obsessed narcissist who never really learnt the real meaning of understanding and care. You silently cry about some space or a leeway which can, for once give you some peace of mind.

The thoughts are hard to shake off. There’s a jury set for the “crimes of passion” that you've committed. It’s really tough to defend yourself when the Convict, the Juror and the Prosecution is YOU. You are guilty and you know it, but you won’t punish yourself for it. There’s no abstinence from passion.

I’m proved guilty of outraging the tranquility of one’s mind. And this time the punishment is inescapable. Twirl and twist inside my mind to find solace. The catch is amazing, I can’t find any. Each time I try to think, there’s a strand of peace broken. The pain is slow and lethal. I succumb to the pain, lack of air, hate, guilt & turmoil.

I sleep thinking, searching and fighting. Next day is hope. Next day is new. Next day is redemption. Next day is exoneration. I wake up... go through the day... and break the bubble... yet again. I've failed myself yet again. I’m turning just the same page over and over again.

I’m incorrigible...!

Love

cant get the right thoughts
cant get the words right
i'm trying too hard
to see through the blinded sight

its hard to live in the memories
its hard to live a lie
with amputated emotions
with a sore good bye

cant save myself
through a million lies
a milion chances
and a million tries

the distance is too much
and the times are vile
i try hard to comfort
and the failures pile

and i know i'm losing
the distant screams
but i cant give up
there's no abstinence from the dreams

Emotional Knapsack

Some questions were bubbling in my mind since whenever.

how do you trust somebody? how do you get somebody to trust you?

why is it so hard to confide in someone? how do you become someone's confidante?

when do you know its love? how do you know its love?

What I know is when you trust somebody, you confide in them. When you confide in them, you get involved. Once you start confiding you are testing the other fellow… their response, sensibility and ability to be a vault and all that stuff. That’s how you decide if it’s good to trust them or not.
If they are good enough to be trusted with your emotions they are good to be your partner.

I mean though it requires a lot of other stuff, but basically you need to connect on one level more than physical. Emotional...! If he/she's trustworthy that means he/she responds, is sensible enough and keeps your personal life personal. You like that. Humans by nature live in groups. Can’t do alone… they need somebody by their side. Now that you have found one it opens path for further emotions. Then you are bonded. You look for further enhancements in the relationship.

If it suits all your personal/physical needs, you get attracted. Its unintentional. You don’t go around weighing what you have got. If for once it clicks, you see a possibility and you try for it. Eventually if all goes right you find yourself in love.

And you go on with it trying, exploring. Once you reach a position where no matter what happens you always seem to get the peace with your partner, you miss them on every occasion possible, you keep thinking about him/her, blabber senseless stuff but more often than not your he/she is the protagonist, you can’t seem to go on one day without talking to him/her... that means you are in love.

And it works the same way for the others too, though relative, the process is the same. To the best of my knowledge… Conditions apply.

BUT

What if any of that goes missing, Trust or confiding or love?

What then? How do you tell yourself to improve? You don’t know what is going wrong.

You are not aware of the shortcoming. Was it all real? Was it all good?

Is that how it’s supposed to be? Or there should be a monster.com for love too?

What if you have the perfect match and it can't get any better than this?

How would you sort it out?

Watchya gonna do about that???

Lucky Boy

My confirmation is due. I’m completing one year in the company. I’ll now be a confirmed employee with higher pay and “trainee” removed from my designation. This is a process which my Project Leader has to initiate. There’s a link which appears in his workflow page which he has to initiate. It’s done for all associates who joined the company with me. Only 2 days remaining to complete the process. But for me... there’s no link appearing…!

I order maggie noodles. As per general knowledge, it takes 2 mins to prepare it. After waiting for 45 mins I call the canteen and cancel the order. Within two mins of the call the maggie appears out of nowhere. All set to go out, I’ve left my seat with my backpack clinging on to my shoulders, standing in the middle of the passageway to the exit. The waiter has handed me the bowl. I’m eating the Maggie there like some malnourished kid who just got food from heaven. People staring, I’m embarrassed.

Lunch time next day, I see one of my colleague has ordered “Chole Bhature”. I am tempted. I cajole one of my friends into eating it with me and order it from the canteen. Impatiently I finish my tiffin, eagerly waiting for the dish to arrive. Half an hour from the order, the waiter comes to tell me that “Chole” as finished. I think I’ll die famished.

My reliance phone’s battery is out. I plug the charger in the phone, find a socket, plug in the charger and boom. It explodes…! Like some preplanned controlled explosion to take away the power plant without affecting the city. Everybody’s looking at me. I can’t stop staring at the smoke coming out of the charger.

Finally my confirmation has been initiated. But it’s pending with my Group Leader. For the last 22 hours 30 mins. Today is the last day to complete the process.

I come home. Thinking, it’d be a god idea to get my old Nokia phone fixed. It’s got a broken strip wire and hence no display. I buy a new wire along with a charger for my reliance phone. It costs me Rs. 130 INR. I get home all excited, get my phone, screwdriver (4 mouthed) and start unscrewing the phone. There are two screws. One’s broken from top and stuck into the phone. Other has got its grooves blunted. The screwdriver is slipping over it. It’s jammed in too. I put my gymming at work. Somehow, with great embarrassment to all the people with an IQ over 110, I put in the strip just to find that the phone has stopped working completely. That’s 14 Gs down the drain. Plus i manage to break the Swiss Knife i was using to unscrew it (Dont aks me how).

 

I was sad, irritated and frustrated, such a bad ending to the year (Last 2 days). Then I was told that it happens. Shit happens. It’s not my fault. And I’ve got to be cheerful. Well damn right. I had no control over it and there’s no point sulking. Just need a little bit time to get over the overwhelming.

This is just a log. Doesn’t mean that I‘m sad or irritated. I’m rather sarcastically funny about it. Ask my colleagues and friends. They just can’t stop laughing.

 

Happy New Blah Blah Blah everybody…..!

Birth OR Death?

this is how i actually felt that day... just cleanin out my closet...

Its weird how things change so fast, and weirder that they change you. My problem is that I’ve been a misfit all my life. With a fist full of friends I’ve been a nomad, always searching for an accomplice. This wasn’t a very big issue until I realized that nobody stays with me long enough. I think I m a rotten apple. And sooner or later others realize this, but I go till the far end just to discover that all I’ve been is a misfit all the while. Dejection, distance, rejections, betrayal… I’ve had these all.

I’ve changed in a lot of ways. People never agree to that. According to them I’m an immature oaf who has only sarcastic comments and jokes to offer to anything. I don’t have feelings, I am not emotional, I am not attached to anybody or anything. I get used to the situation and emptiness they say. It’s really easy for me to move on in life. Well... the truth is to be discovered. If they don’t want the actual me... well they aren’t getting anything out of me. I’ve always told them that it’s hard to be with me. They don’t listen. They come a bit too close. And walk away on something or the other that I did. Doesn’t matter what the reason behind it was or done to whom or what I meant. And then the ‘immature story’ is repeated.

Ever felt the pain of betrayal? Broken trust? Loosing a friend who was never a friend?
Ever been in a place where your ways are not accepted and if you try to be otherwise you are trying too hard to fit in??
Ever done something silly and got such a huge punishment that u couldn’t believe it? You try to think where u crossed the line but the line is so far off and blurred that u found yourself incapable of walking back and rectifying it all.
I stand immersed in a shit load of emotions today. I know probably I’ll look back tomorrow and think what a stupid thought that was. But the truth is that NOW I am thinking about it.. I feel stupid and uncool. I was never like this. I don’t want to resist this change though. But when u don’t have heart you are not supposed to feel. Dead don’t breathe…!

If that’s how it is… it’s how it’ll be…!
I’ll b immature to everyone who knows me. But I’ll be a new guy to those who don’t.
I’ll be an oaf who’s sarcastic and loony all the time for those who know me. But a sober character for those who don’t.
I’ll be an insensitive guy for those who know me. But … I won’t BE for those who don’t.

I’m leaving your world mama. Going far off to a distant land. Where I can be what I am. From now on I am a new guy. In a new world. And I condemn you for this death and birth mama. You should have realized long ago that I won’t be able to survive here. I am a misfit. And now I was…..

Her & Me

Hi..

i know i dont get much traffic here.
but i have decided to give a vent to my creativity and start a series which i'd call 'Her & Me'..
no guessing who 'her' is and how she's related to me... not required.

its the way i think more or less... i m inspired to start this...
how and when.. dont ask..

try it out.. might be a good one... or might just wont work out..

but i'll keep it going...

http://her-me-convos.blogspot.com/


Have fun..!

Well.. these are some home remedies I got via mail.. I believe it'll b of use to everyone..
Do use these.. for a Blissful life...

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you wake up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

12. Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

13. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Reach Somewhere...

i'll tell u a little story
its about a guy
who's on a journey
on a moonless sky

he's feelin thirsty
he bends to drink
from the river of blood
where the souls sink

life's a tough job
& he's tryin to reach somewhere
shootin at the world
he thinks he's almost there

the hate is so bitchy
& he stands alone
where love kills love
& death hides behind the stones

he wants them to believe
he wants them to understand
the life is too short
too short to depend

he lights up the candle
& brightens the lane
for a thousand faces
all livin in pain

the winds blow hard
certainly the winds of change
its the end of the nightmare
& its not so strange

next day he wakes up
& see the lovely lights.... but he knows
he's got to reach somewhere
coz its smilin... 'in the shadows'...

Battling the GODS...

Well...
ladies and other ladies..
I heard that I was much awaited here...
So...
I m here...! (With a bang)

I’ve been caught up between stuff..
wondering abt wat to write..
there r so many things I can comment upon..
but I think there's not much fun to it unless u hit the right buttons or step on the right nerves..

These were a few things which kept me busy deciding..
1) My theories to terrorize stray dogs.
2) A new story wid a supernatural twist to it.
3) About how I tried to get a 6-pack and then discovered that I like round belly more.
4) About all the movies I have seen till date.. (then I realized that half of my life I have been sittin in front of the computer watchin a movie… then I felt really good and partied it out)
5) How I think late night sleeping and late “NooN” waking is so awesome.

Well it was all so regular. I thought it’s neither here nor there. Then I went online on orkut searchin for fun. (yeah I m practically a geek… widout the knowledge)

There’s a Calvin and Hobbes community with a forum in which ppl comment on other ppl’s profiles in order to get to read a good thing or two about theirs. So I was there, doing my thing, suddenly this guy visited my profile and commented on my religion choice, which I think was so religist. I m a satisfied Atheist. And he commented “is it the new “in” thing.”

Well he’s a hindu.. and goin by the country v live in.. I’ve gotta say “that’s the only ‘in’ thing here.”
Ppl fighting over
the “ramsetu”,
ram mandir,
Modern Ramleela resulting in the imprisonment of the head of an educational institute,
my being an atheist…

(and off the record) Definitely Mr. Ram is the cynosure of the chaos.

It was odd enough that somebody gets irritated by some other guy cuz he doesn’t follow the same religion. Now ppl have problem wid the neutrals. I wasn’t as offended by the comment as I was amazed. Wat was he tryin there…. Christening me into a Hindu?? Well I have my reasons not following any religion as most of you must be having for following one.

For me the whole religion thing is way too overrated.
For starters.. it gets weird ppl to comment on ur profile on orkut.

More importantly I believe these religions, all of them, were interpreted wrong.
Its just like fuzzy logic. Lots of books, lots of interpreters… Chaos.
Well lets face it. All of the religions emerged from the holy books.

GEETA

QURAN

BIBLE

RAMAYANA

MAHABHARATA

TORAH

MORMON

And the way these have been interpreted resulted into a chaotic disorder. The arbiters of defining the religion projected deities out of the holy books. They had supernatural powers, were morally correct strong, fought against evil and won.

They made these guys GOD.

I think the intention of the actual writers of the books was to create an image of goodness, an image towards which the readers would look with awe and will learn from them. They created an image of a man who’d live and let live, be good morally and otherwise.

So wat went wrong here was the birth of a deity instead of the birth of a new way of living.I believe that if v were more inclined towards being like the GODS instead of following them like Kings & Queens and battling over it, we could have had a really beautiful place to live in.

Furthermore, i think its not too late to change our outlook. If we just can think of GODS as more of an INSPIRATION than a POWER and a LAW, we'd work our way thru to the beautiful place we all want to be in.

I m not against Religion and GOD.

I m against the way its affecting us.

Stop fighting over religion and gods, give more importance to humanity and dont judge others on the basis of their choice of religion.

And hey...

there's a fun fact...

If u r a totalist on religion then i'd ask ur discretion abt this..

I think if ppl are following a religion, they should know that they are goin to hell.

dont get me wrong cuz i didnt make the rules...

every religion says "if u don't follow the religion, You'll go to hell."

and nobody can live by peacefully following all of the religions.

so everybody will go to hell.

i, as i said, dont follow any religion, which makes me quite a strong contender of being in the Who's Who of hell. and i m happy with that.with all thats goin here, it wont be much tough to live up there.

its wonderful how our lives can be completely shaken by the choices we make.

well.. life is wat it should be..

Simple misinterpretation....!

By the way…
I m not giving out any ideas.
Just here to say hi..

HI…!

Life & Alco~~HiC~~hol.....

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you aretougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people arelaughing WITH you.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends overand over again that you love them.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite s e x without spitting.


"Well ya see it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of thewhole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the humanbrain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakestbrain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates theweaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

The Coffee House Affair...!

Its a story i've written..
about a guy n a damsel he met at a coffee house..
& how he fell in love wid her..
to kno wat followed...
leave me a comment wid ur email id..
i'll forward u the doc..
i think u'd like it..

your's only...
Prateek..

Truth is stranger than fiction.....!

I am just not the Right Guy....!

but there's a lot more to me than it seems...
over the years i've observed tat..

1) I m a lot more intelligent than ppl take me to be...( i kinda knew tat all along..now makin a statement)

2) People hardly understand wat i m sayin. Figured it to b a speech problem. Yeah.. they should c a therepist.

3) i can practically suck the brains outta one. i never tried it on purpose. it comes naturaly.. ;-)~

4) i have a better choice of a lot of things. and then i choose otherwise.

5) i can be extreamly FUNNY.. and extreamly INSCRUTABLE.. (i m fun in diguise.. "FOX in sheep's skin" as u may wanna call it)

6) i lyk to write. sometimes its really really VAGUE. Like this time.

7) otherwise i m a good writer..wid spellin mistakes.. shows my concern for the stationery companies.

8) i M a bit of an ENVIRONMENTALIST. and wen u combine it wid bein a MARWARI BANIYA... works wonders.

9) i keep havin crazy ideas. but they always get lost in translation.

10) i have a tendensy to go on talkin if the ambiant conditions are suitable. but then the world's unstable.. suddenly.. wat the HELL..

11) i want to b a Model. Ramp modelin strictly. a bit of advertisments wont harm either.

12) i m an engineer. .... @!#$@#%#$^>%^......

As I Mature

I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy
or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting
long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.



I've learned that regardless of
how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when
something isn't working in your house, one
of your kids did it

I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.

Choice

ever felt the pressure..
when ppl r askin..
and it seems too much to give..
after doin more than wat u r supposed to..
givin out ur best..
still they r unsatisfied..
u r accused.. for the things u do...
and for the things u r asked to do..

deny..?
no good..
cant step back..
its ur duty..
to GIVE.. n not ask..
to FEED.. n be hungry..
to LOVE.. n be alone..
to SUFFER.. n smile..
to LIVE.. when dead inside..

wats the whole point of being there..
when u rarely get wat u deserve..
almost everyone's misunderstood..
especially by SOMEONE..
when everyone's unsatisfied.
when there's no love..
when u've to fight for wats urs..
when u r alone in a crowd..

how'd u feel
if u wont get the credit of ur achievement..?
if u r blamed for somethin u didnt do?
if u dont get enough freedom?
if u dont get enough space?
if u cant be wat u wanna be?
if u r criticized?
if wat u do is never right?
if ur morals, ethics, belifes n thinkin is questioned?

wat would u do?
give up?? or fight?
do it their way?? or urs?
compromise?? or live upto urself?
plead guilty?? or stand upto wat u do?
be wat they want u to be?? or live urself?
wat would you choose?
to die?? or to live?

Human...?

i dunno wats wrong wid this world..
the people..
the trends..
the emotions..

everybody's so engaged in there own self
that they dont have time to open their eyes n look arnd..
they dont have time to think..
to care abt wats goin on..
they dont fuckin have time for themselves..

and then these come along..
needs.. desires.. wants.. wills.. love.. n lust..
everybody want everything..
they choose some things over others..
n live out their lives..
runnin... in haste..
tiered n wasted n dull... they never c the beauty of satisfaction.
one after the other..
the choices.. keeps changin..
keeps updatin..

Randomness... no clue..
no need.. just to own..
they live.. they die..
to have their share of happiness..
their share of the world..
justifed with the argument of human nature..
they wanna do it..
outgrow everythin..
reach at a place
so high.. so far away from others..
so tat no one can touch them
harm them..
take away their stuff.. their life..

but they dont know..
tat they've already given up their lives..
in the mist of the human nature..
they've lost wats human...
its all wasted..
unyieldin..
their lives r unsatisfied.. barren..

is it human nature to run after everything??
to ask for More??
never be satisfied??
believe wat they think is true is true?
always expect more than wat they give?
expect thing which aren't possible.. practical..?
is it all tat they need from life?
love.. money.. r they equal? if not.. than which is more important?

wat should i do?
give more??
ask more?
retaliate?
cringe?
swink?
lay-off?
should i be confused?
or should i do wat everybody's doin..
cuz i m human too.....?

The truth of life... Engineer's way...!

i've learned...


1) Distance is not always inversely proportional to love...
they kinda share a freakish nature..
it depends on the data given and the environmental conditions..

2) No matter how hard u try to do good stuff for others
some unaccounted failures always occure..
the breakdown maintenance department cant help
and Preventive maintenance isn't possible...its highly risky to live..

3) No matter how u express urself..
the diction n speech somewhere somehow goes wrong
or they'r not enough..body language has an imp role to play..

4) Ur care n concern is volatile
its not there if u dont do enough to show..
constant discharge is necessory..
else the carin efficiency is supposed to be low..

5) Even if u dont know a person much
u feel tat she/he has been there since forever..
time looses its importance
its just a frame of reference..

6) There are ppl whom u love a lot..
but they fail to understand ur love..
Expectations are really high..
its like solvin a zillion veriabled equation..and all you know is tat x is an unknown variable.

7) When ppl tell u what u should do..
they forget how they r supposed to tell it..
its like tryin to store 700MB in a floppy Drive
Generally ends with a GIGO(Garbage In Garbage Out) situation..

8) Sometimes ppl ask for too much..
u r in no position to satisfy there needs..
u find tat resources are low and demand is too high..
results in inflation and black marketing..

9) Sometimes u do stuff for urself..
and nobody understands..
u r then insensible, immature n kiddish..
its like a Data Sufficiancy question..and u have no way to establish ur logics...

The Boyz..!

The world is not enough
when it comes to freakin out
& if its us, people shout it out loud
hide.. save urself... The Boyz r out...


We change the time
We set the trendz
We are the height of everything
We are your scariest friends

We are the life you live
We are the words you here
We are the heart of everything
We are your greatest fear..

Doing everything the way we want
Taking everything to the limit
Livin wiil be fun..
Believe me.. you'll love it

We give love
we are the trust
We can do anything
"Smile"... our only lust...

We live a life
Its so kingsize
Whatever we do..
Takes you out of demise....

But its our own style
Temptations .. no limitations..
We do everything
With a tinch of love... & lotsa irritations...

To my sisters....

looking up at night
stars & the moon
reminds me of you
the special tune

we've grown up together
learned as made mistakes
the time spent together
sea shores & the cakes

its a special bond we share
pictures & the memories
you know how much i care
truth & the stories

you are special
and i am the lucky one
the spirits are high & wild
& the dreams are done.

Magic

i am in love
love with a feeling
feeling of being loved
loved by a magic

i've been touched
touched by a dream
dream of being loved
loved by a rose

i've been hugged
hugged by a thought
thought of being loved
loved by a fantasy

i've been heard
heard by a song
song that is loved
loved by life...

BreakDown

dont have words
can't say how i feel
can't really understand
just wanna conceal


life lyin in peices
a guitar with broken strings
shattered dreams n soar heart
shallow eyes n broken wings


just wanna hide
just wanna fake
just wanna mask
for my own sake


i've tried
i've given
i've hoped
cuz i was driven


its all flooded now
& its still rainin
the ache is high
& still painin


don't wanna feel
don't wanna give
don't wanna care
don't wanna live


sometimes i've loved
sometimes i've cried
sometimes i've suffered
sometimes i've died


cuz nobody understood
distances've grown
this bed of roses
now pricks like a thorn


just want my life back
its all roughed
how does it feel
awrite... it sucked...!